Nick's Pandorings

9-9-9 Explained and Exposed

2011-10-18T17:32:00.000-07:00

For this politically independent government worker, the events within political playground are nerve wracking, not the least of which is the Republican playing field for the 2012 election. Most recently, Herman Cain has surged to the fore with his 9-9-9 tax plan overhaul. proponents of this tax plan have raved about how it is the most fair plan because of its even percentage that all would have to pay. I have decided to throw in my two cents on this plan, and expose it for what it is: anti-poor, anti-elderly, and anti-small business.

What is the 9-9-9 plan? Put simply, the 9-9-9 plan states that everyone would pay a 9 percent income tax, corporations would pay a 9 percent corporate tax, and there would be an implementation of a national 9 percent sales tax (over and above any state sales tax you already pay). Cain states that this is fair, alleging that everyone across the board would pay the same rate of taxes. It makes sense, doesn't it? But after taking this plan out of the vacuum of theory and placing into the real world, it is not what it seems.

Let's look at the 9 percent income tax for all. Called a "flat tax", this tax is actually regressive in how it disproportionately effects the poor. If we look at it in terms of the tax payer's post-tax wealth relative to the price of necessities, we can see that this tax punishes those of lower income. Not convinced? Let's look at an example: assume we have two tax payers. The first tax payer makes $100K per year. (Wouldn't that be nice?) His 9 percent tax would be $9k. The second tax payer makes $30k, so their tax would be $2,700 per year. That seems fair, right? The person that makes more, pays more and the person that makes less pays less. Now, lets look at each of these people after they pay those taxes. The first one, has a remaining $91k while the second has a remaining $27,300. Since the prices of goods that each of these tax payers are buying are the same, the post-tax wealth that each person has is not equal relative to the common goods they both purchase. This is where it gets complicated, so stay with me. The price of bread is a much smaller portion of the first tax payer's income than it is of the second. This means that the utility, or buying power, of each dollar spent for the second tax payer (the poorer one) is of greater value because they have less dollars to spend, and therefore, they have more to lose by paying the same tax rate as the the wealthier person. Hardly fair to those who currently live on a low or fixed income.

Now, lets look at the 9 percent corporate tax rate. The argument against this corporate flat tax is the same as the flat income tax explained above. The difference would simply exchange the rich and poor taxpayers to a big and small corporation. The incomes between these examples may be drastically different, but the principles are the same: the corporations that have a greater revenue stream than the small corporation, but the smaller corporation would have more to lose with a flat tax since they receive a greater utility out of each dollar earned and spent. By applying this critique to the flat corporate tax, we can see this portion of the plan is anti-small business--hardly what our economy needs right now!

Lastly we turn to the 9 percent national sales tax. This was proposed earlier in 2007 as a replacement for the income tax bracket all together. Called a "Fair Tax", this tax system was meant to create a tax revenue stream across the board for anyone purchasing anything in the United States. It's proponents stated that there would be no way to avoid the tax as many wealthy and those who are paid under the table purchase goods here. Certainly a clever idea, I agree. Its opponents state that it would increase overall cost of goods, but advocates believe that this increase in cost would be offset by the absence of an income tax.

However, this tax is also regressive. It simply takes the critique of the flat tax and turns it on its head; instead of forcing the poor to pay a greater utility of their income, it diminishes the purchasing power of these dollars. Since the wealthy have more dollars with which to use, they feel the hurt of a price increase less than those who have less dollars to spend. The one thing the Fair Tax plan had over Cain's 9-9-9 plan: fair tax got rid of the income tax, where as Cain's plan compounds the hurt. It not only takes away more buying power from the poor, but it devalues the dollars those people have left!

Herman Cain's plan was clearly not thought with the elderly, impoverished, and the middle-class in mind. With the economic repercussions outlined above, Cain's 9-9-9 plan not only accentuates the economic divide, it will exponentially expand it. For a country built on Christian ideals of helping those less fortunate, this plan is anti-elderly, anti-poor, and clearly, anti-American.

Photography

2011-06-18T19:15:00.000-07:00

While at a family reunion recently, I was asked why I always took pictures of landscapes and not that of people. There's a lot of money in wedding photography, for example. And yes, I'm sure the small, secluded town of Staunton, VA certainly has a market for it. That said, my answer was simple.

I do not take photographs of people, because when they look upon my photographs, they do it through the lens of their own insecurity. Especially in wedding photography, the patron commissions the photographer to make every blemish disappear, and fix every issue this person sees--whether it exists or not. (With this in mind, I think the exploitative use of Photoshop has completely blurred our sense of reality, beauty, while exacerbating our insecurities.) As a photographer, I refuse to take money in exchange for making one's insecurities disappear. That's what psychologists are for.

I take pictures of landscapes because a landscape will never tell me what is wrong with my photo of it. It has an understanding, that I will do my very best to show it off in the glory it deserves. I think the key here is that God created all that is around us, including myself, and therefore trusts my God-given talent to represent his creation accurately and respectfully--and He is satisfied with every outcome. I doubt a photographer will ever get such a response from a human being.

Passion Fruit

2010-11-20T06:58:00.000-08:00

Last night, my wife and I were laying in bed talking about various cities we've visited together and New York came up in the discussion.

"I must be in the minority," she said with certainty, "I did NOT like New York! While I was there, it felt like money was the only thing people there cared about. I guess that's why I like D.C.," she continued, "people by in large aren't there to make money, they're there because they have a passion that drives them." She continued on to talk about the various people she got to know during her AARP internship and how she felt revived by their passion.

And then the bombshell:

"I guess what bothers me most are people who have no passion."

Shortly thereafter my wife was out cold, and her last words before slumber echoed in my head as her deep, methodical breathing serenaded my thoughts. I agree with her. Not having a passion has been a long standing issue I have had with myself. I've written in the past how my life does seem a bit empty without some source of passion or drive. I commented on those whom I envy mastered the incredibly difficult task of pursuing passion while meeting real world obligations. Her words sparked a new found investigation to discover what I felt I was missing.

"What is a passion?" I asked myself, "and what makes it different from a hobby?" What made those aforementioned friends able to pursue that passion? My conclusion is that a passion is something that appeals to the soul so much that to pursue it becomes compulsory; and not to pursue it, consequently, is to deny the very definition of one's identity. Though some may contend that this definition maybe lacking or skewed, it makes sense to me because it validates my feelings that not having a passion does leave me with a sense of emptiness, a lack of self-definition, if you will.

I began to think about what activities or interests would appeal to my inner self so much that they would be compulsive by nature. Photography? Acting? Film? These activities are/were hobbies of mine, but they aren't interests whose pursuit of which I would risk impoverishment. Maybe that makes me a coward; maybe it makes me practical. Either way, the difficulty in identifying that which could define who I am and my place within this world grows increasingly disturbing.

Then I think about my family. I'm passionate about my wife. Doesn't that count? After further consideration, I reject this notion. To place a passion, the definition of one's self, on the sheer presence of another in one's life places an unfair responsibility upon that person. It's living and defining my life using my significant other as a proxy. (I can't say I'm innocent of this as I have difficulty figuring out how to amuse myself alone while April is gone; but that's a topic for another day.)

What about my work? Working for a government agency which is the bread and butter for over 49 million Americans nationwide can easily be something that one could be passionate about. However, some aspects of my job require me to assume the worst of people rather than the best, which rubs against the grain of my personality and values. To that end, I do enjoy being in a position to help those who truly deserve it. Through my own experiences, I absolutely hate watching bad things happen to good people (I moreover hate being the barer of bad news to good people). I've occasionally had the means and the opportunity to give back to those who have given so much to others, and make a positive difference in their lives. That fuels me.

Now, this is not to say that my job is a source of passion for me. These opportunities are much too seldom to energize me through my day or give me any lasting sense of identity. However, it does illuminate to me aspects and values that may lead me closer to a concrete passion. But one question lingers on the horizon of this discovery:

Once I find this self-consuming passion, how will I balance it against my other priorities as a husband and as a father one day? Maybe this is why all those passionate friends I know are single.

Training

2009-11-19T14:46:00.000-08:00

For the past three months, I have been working at the Staunton Social Security office, learning the job while exercising much of the information I assimilated while in Tampa. I knew I would eventually be shipped off to another office for my formal Service Representative training, though I never expected it to be very far.

Finally, the day came when I found out where I was going. It was not there in Staunton, nor 30 min north to Harrisonburg, East to the Charlottesville office, or an hour and a half south to Roanoke where the other SRs went for training. I was being sent to Danville, Va., A town 2.5 hours Southeast of Staunton, close to the North Carolina border. It's not a big town, so there's very little for entertainment. When April mentioned my destination to her co-workers at James Madison University, Danville was described as "the armpit of Virginia." The best part: I am training until the start of March 2010 (though I will come home for Thanksgiving, three weeks at Christmas, and one week at the start of February). Just wait, there's more. I have to unhook my desktop computer from my desk in Staunton, and take it with me because this office "doesn't have enough computers to go around".

When I get into town, I have to go straight to the office because there was not enough time to first head to the hotel and check in. When I set up the computer, we had some issues moving my user profile over to the this office and it turned out they have to re-image (or reformat) the hard drive on my machine so that their office server can recognize it. In the meantime, they switch out my tower for an extra one they had there at the office. Let me repeat that. They had to switch out the computer I had to lug from home because they didn't have enough computers, and replaced it...with an extra one. Well, I already brought the thing, so I might as well roll with it, right? I went around the office and met many of my future co-workers for the next three months, and proceeded through my work day. "This won't be so bad," I thought, "especially once I get back to the hotel, and I can check my email and put my feet up."

When I get to the hotel, I check in, head to my room, and continue to unpack. Once I got my computer hooked up, I quickly realized I didn't have any internet access despite the free internet advertised by the hotel. I opened the diagnostic applications for the networking and quickly noticed that I had access to the router, but it was not letting me through to the internet. After calling the front desk, they prompted me to go to the hotel website and a gateway page should pop up on the screen prompting me to put in a user name and password. So, I put in the website--and no gateway screen. Now what? I looked at the directions to access the internet found in the "welcome packet" on the room desk and notice that directions for setting up internet stop at Windows XP. Despite this, I still managed to follow them, despite some of the organizational differences between my VISTA OS and it's predecessor. Still nothing. At the top of the sheet, I notice there's a toll-free number to call for 24/7 assistance. Summoning the patience required to deal with Indian accents and scripted answers, I pick up the phone and dial. I quickly discover that this "help" number is "disconnected or no longer in service". Check-mate. Figuring I won't have internet that night, I head to bed, turn on the tube, and just make the best of it.

The next morning I was ready to get into a battle with the front desk people about my internet service, and ready to take my three-months of patronage elsewhere. After my free breakfast of cereal, coffee, and a bagel, I head to the front desk. After explaining to them what happened they asked if I had any firewalls up, but I explained that I had disabled them all with no resolve to the problem. Then, after asking if the CAT-5 jack in the wall of my room worked, they said, "yes it does. Do you need a cord?" And with that, presto! I've got internet!!

Elated that things were looking up, I headed to work. My computer (their tower, not mine) was up and running, I got to know more of the coworkers on a personal level, and I was even invited to one's wedding reception this Friday night (tomorrow).

After the invitation, it was back to my training class. As I sat there, listening to a satellite feed of talking heads, I got to thinking: perhaps this training is more than just job-specific SSA business. Perhaps this training is really a training on a greater scale of life. Yes, my situation isn't desirable: I'm being trained on a job I already know, I got sent to the "armpit of Virginia" to do it, and I'm far enough away from my family that I can't drive home during the week. But, I have learned repeatedly that we just have to roll with what we are given. It could be worse--I could have been sent across the country for training, or my hotel stay might not have been so accommodating in the midst of disappointment.

These and other life problems are only temporary, especially if we look to make the best of what we're given.

Election Day: A Thought Experiment of Marital Proportions

2009-11-03T17:12:00.000-08:00

On this election day, I find myself reading the headlines and finding myself taken aback by all the politicians admitting infidelities to their public and their families in just this past year. This got me thinking: what if we had to re-elect our spouse?

Think about it. What if our culture built monogamy upon a one-year term for the office of spouse? Would we be as likely to cheat knowing that our spouse could easily, and without judgment from the outside world, toss us to the curb? Wouldn't we be more likely to pay greater attention to our spouses, treating them as we did when we dated, if they could simply move on to the next candidate? If every year we had to demonstrate to our spouse that we were worthwhile to keep in office for another year?

Now, I understand that in today's statistics of divorce, this concept is growing increasingly less novel. However, it's simply a suggestion for the married ranks to simply consider the question: Do I take my spouse for granted?

So, as an exercise, ask your spouse if they would re-elect you; just don't be surprised to get a politician's answer.

"Edugate"

2009-09-13T12:53:00.000-07:00

Many who know me and my political ideology know that I prefer to have an individual opinion void of a complete partisan platform. That said, I find that the most current partisan games have passed the line of embarrassment and I feel the need to comment.

In recent months, we have seen many headlines informing us of the increasing polarizing debates revolving around President Obama's actions and politics. The most recent reaction on the political right to Obama's speech encouraging our nation's youth to stay in school, however, is downright laughable.

While, I am not one to name one party more correct than another due to the complication of our nations many worthwhile issues, I feel this most recent speech uproar to be a front to our nation's intellect and common sense. Critics of the speech have stated that the president is attempting to "indoctrinate" our nation's youth. Or better yet, they state he is attempting to "hijack" the parental role. It seems that while the democrats are attempting to achieve the impractical, republicans are busy serving up a punch of fear on the "NObama" bandwagon. Snap out of it, America!

First off parents, your kids are in school because YOU put them there. They learn and do their homework at home because YOU enforce it. If they're still in school, it's because YOU-the parent-did the indoctrinating long before the president said a word. The only children who are going to feel the encouragement of staying in school from this speech are going to be the ones who don't get it at home. As for the rest, the president is simply reinforcing a message they get at home anyway.

Second, regardless of the source, is it really that bad to encourage a child to stay in school? I can imagine people being up in arms about the president coming on the air and giving a speech stating that BJ's don't count as adultery, or condoning polygamy, but staying in school? Honestly, if people are so hell-bent to hate the president and his politics, there has to be something better out there than getting our knickers in a bunch over his attempt to lower America's drop-out rate.

In reaction to the airing of the speech, many in-laws were ready to pull their children out of school for the day. So let me get this straight: our parents, so fearful of the evil message of "stay in school", have PULLED their kids out of school for the day, essentially undermining the original message to begin with-regardless of its source. I guess I shouldn't be surprised this reaction is coming from a party which advocates the spread of peace through massive preemptive bombing.

America, we need to get back on track talking about the issues which will have a lasting effect on our youth, rather than those built upon a foundation of fear. We need to have more thoughtful discussions about what to do about our failing systems of health care and border patrol, in addition to education. Let's not waste our breath on such frivolous matters as this. Honestly, it's embarrassing.

Bigger isn't Always Better, It's Just More to Clean

2009-09-06T17:32:00.000-07:00

When we're young, especially when growing up in America in the 1980's, it was easy to get swept away with the idea of buying bigger, better, and faster. If you were not living large, fast, and loose, then you weren't truly living.

This ideology found its way into many of my fantasies and games as a child. One in particular involved an issue of "Architectural Digest" wherein my brother, Nathan, and I would turn magazine pages which portrayed lavish homes with the latest styles and compete to see who could point and lay claim to the luxurious homes first. This usually took place at bedtime, and while I wasn't always the most gracious loser as a child (especially when tired), my mom said something to ease my pain one evening when I lost out on a priceless waterfront mansion in the East Hamptons. She said, "bigger isn't always better, Nick. It's just more to clean." At that, I felt like I was the winner, suddenly proud of claiming only one home in the Rancho Santa Fe mountains with half the square footage to clean.

This lesson of responsibility and care-taking certainly brings new meaning to my life as I grow older. As I look towards buying a home and starting a family in the next few years, it is suddenly becoming more apparent to me that the larger life becomes, the more my wife and I have to "keep clean". Now, not to say that any of these things is a burden. I enjoy the responsibilities that marriage brings and I love having a larger home. But, this is only to say that lifestyle perks come with responsibilities.

That night, mom cleverly used an opportunity to teach me an important life lesson as a means of cheering me up. It's easy to envy, its easy to want luxuries, but those luxuries come at a price. And, while those who think they've "won" this arbitrary race of life by having bigger and better, I can have the last laugh by tending to my life rather than my trophies.

Thank You, Florida

2009-07-23T18:52:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow begins the last day of our packing to leave Florida, close a chapter, and move on to a new adventure. Saturday we leave Tampa, Sunday we leave Florida, and as I reflect on these days, I ponder their significance and meaning; I came to Florida broke, unemployed, and bright-eyed about the dreams and possibilities that move could implicate. Meanwhile, my wife was in love enough to see me through those hard times.

So much has happened since that faithful decision to give love, and God, a chance. I have gained an amazing life partner who challenges me, loves me, and cares for me. I have learned what I'm made of as a man, and I have been surprised time and time again by my bride and her resounding brilliance, principles, and beauty.

While Florida is susceptible to floods, tornadoes, wild fires, hurricanes, and yes, the occasional earthquake, I have found that this state produces tough people. And though I have only witnessed a few of these natural disasters, I have weathered much more personally with the death of a loved one, completing a master's degree, and all while holding down a full-time job. This time here has taught me that though I can push my way through the winters of life, it is much easier when I have the warmth of April to support me through the seasons.

I approached Florida with the expectation that this state was the part of my decision which would require the most tolerance. Though I will not miss the humidity and the warm, unchanging seasons, I will be forever grateful for the lessons I've learned, the people I have met, and the person I have become.

Thank You, Florida. We'll see you soon.

A Response to Obama Bashing...

2009-03-05T19:18:00.000-08:00

The following is a written response to an op-ed piece my brother posted on his blog. It's amazing to me that people have targeted Obama before he's had time to do anything. I look forward to any comments readers may have.

~~~

...As for this highly slanted opinion piece, it's amazing for an opinion piece that stresses "facts" so much, it fails to acknowledge the facts which run contradictory to their point of view. Let's analyze these in turn:

1) The Honeymoon - Obama had an 83 percent rating when taking office and though that slipped in a week by 15 points or so, it has held steady, and even increased in the late days of February to 68 percent, according to a Gallup Poll. This is stated by many news agencies as still an impressive rating.

2) The Stimulus Bill - The structure of this bill should be of no surprise to any one who knows history. The greatest expansion of government happened with FDR; and I don't see any historians laughing about his agenda, especially those who got their asses saved by FDIC. Sure, there maybe some questionable items in this bill, however there are some badly needed infrastructure components to it as well. One I believe to be noteworthy is the development of high-speed rail. The United States, and our dependence upon oil and our cars, is FAR behind any other developed country in this regard. The development and building of these trains and routs will be expensive, yes; but it will also provide jobs and potentially relieve the airline industry of overcrowding--something I don't see the Republicans arguing against.

3) The Republican Solution - Reganomics. Give to the rich so they can technically invest it and vuala! Well, money isn't the only thing that flows downhill. Let's be clear that it's DEreculation and a pro-wealthy tax code that got us here to begin with. On Bush's last speech/meeting with the press, he stated that when he started his administration, he started with a recession and he's leaving with one. News Flash: that's what happened with Reagan too. It's true that cutting taxes for the rich to reinvest does allow for a trickle down effect, but that's short term thinking and not pragmatic. What forces those who have money to invest is greed, and it's that same greed that led to this mortgage and lending crisis to begin with: by bankers and speculators thinking, "how can I get a quick buck?" and vuala, we're fooked.

4) The Problem and Misdiagnosis - The fact that the stock market tanked is a symptom of the problem which exacerbated our economic issues. The problem is liquidity of funds through lending. NO one is lending any money. The Bush Administration gave banks a 700 Billion dollar bailout WITHOUT a provision to lend that money to anyone, allowing them to give CEOs lavish bonuses (and I'm not entirely convinced that was an accident). Sure, we need people to get to investing again, yes. But that's only going to happen when we get banks and private lenders to start granting loans again, so people can afford their current livelihood. We need to get money into people's hands with a manageable payment schedule so we can get industry back onto its feet. This way, those investors who sold their stock and stashed it in Gold (notice that the price of Gold went through the roof when the stock market crashed? Gold is a proven safe haven for investor's funds.), can reinvest it into industry. Again, that might happen faster with Reganomics, but as I've proven earlier, haste makes waste.

Thanks for sharing this post, Na. I wish this author would consider ALL the facts and simply agree to disagree, rather than arrogantly point fingers.

Valentine's Day Busted?

2009-02-15T20:23:00.000-08:00

For the past two years, April's and my Valentine's Day has had some impediment from enjoying the Hallmark ideal of what the day is advertised to be about. We all know of the expectations revolving around the consumerism of Valentines day: chocolates, jewelry, lingerie. Yet, between illness (2007) and the death of a beloved family member (2008), our past two Valentine's holidays were less than perfect. We vowed to make this year different.

April awoke at 7:30 to Breakfast in bed before she headed off to the gym for her Saturday morning gym class. Afterwords, while she was showering and getting ready for our Valentine's day lunch date, I washed and waxed my car (I had to clean it up to keep up to par with April's new car!). Our lunch date consisted of a High Tea luncheon which incorporated a 4-course meal served on floral fine-china and a choice of any of the tea room's 52 teas. After returning home, April and I waited for her Dad to show up at the apartment to go to a casual dinner at a sports bar around the corner. Once finished, we came out to discover a disheartening surprise.

April's car wasn't there. We had this car but one week and our first notion was that it was stolen. After closer inspection of the space which once housed the vehicle and some nearby signage, we discovered that her car had been towed. Once in her Dad's car in a search to get the car back from impounding, our directions to the impound yard brought us to the badlands of Tampa. After waiting for an hour or so for the one office attendant, also a tow-truck driver, to return to process payment, we discover that they only accept cash and in exact change. This, in turn, led us to find a gas station which would have an ATM where we would feel remotely safe withdrawing $180 for the impound fee. After returning to the impound yard, paying the attendant, and back into the vehicle, April and I bid her dad and step-mom farewell and a huge "thank you" (her dad graciously paid half the impound tab), we were on our way home. I went to bed that night, my wife laying next to me, both of us thinking, "another Valentine's Day busted."

This history of Valentine's Days got me thinking about the true meaning behind Valentine's Day juxtaposed to what it's come to mean in today's society. Valentine's Day, contrary to the American Ideal, is not about candy, bling, and sex all under the guise of love and appreciation; but rather about the celebration of companionship and the companion themselves--especially during the hard times. In 2007, April had a number ailments which overlapped, preventing any kind of Valentine's day festivities, but it gave me the opportunity as a boyfriend to support her when the illness became emotionally and mentally draining; in 2008, April's Grandmother died three days before Valentine's Day which again afforded me the opportunity as a fiance to offer her much-needed support and love; and this year, we both have learned how to support each other as husband and wife, band together in a time of need, and to always watch for "tow-away" Zones.

So when Valentine's 2010 arrives, the breakfast in bed may still be on the agenda, but my focus will be on the person which makes Valentine's day worthwhile instead of the events which characterize the holiday.

Thanks For That Lesson Mom

2009-01-23T19:28:00.000-08:00

Recently my mom sent me an email of encouragement in my continuing pursuit of my Master's. I am currently working on my thesis, and it is proving a daunting task. Knowing this, Mom sent me an email of encouragement, telling me, "you can do anything that you can put your mind to." This was a particularly poignant email as I got some rough feed back and reality check from my major professor today prior to reading it. This news, combined with mom's email made me think of a lesson she inadvertently taught me during my youth while we were out on a hike. I wanted to share it with her and thank her in my email response.

"...It was nice of you to send this message of encouragement and wisdom, as it was timely. I had my meeting with my major professor today and he and I went over my methods and literature review section of my thesis. He began to tell me that I did not have enough breadth within my lit review and to expand. With my case studies as the meat of the thesis, how much could this be? I wasn't prepared for him to offer some examples of past theses, the shortest of which was 100 pages! If I follow the exhaustiveness for the subject matter which is sought by my major professor, it looks like my thesis will be 20-30 pages longer than my wife's doctoral dissertation; and I have three months to write it. Apparently he doesn't realize that I work full-time. Anyway, after coming to this realization of how much work I have ahead of me, I couldn't help but equate this thesis experience with our hike up Mt. Miguel (where we continuously hit crest after discouraging crest); just when I think I can move on to another phase in the project, I'm back to the drawing board and the mountain is suddenly larger than anticipated with each passing step.

"It's amazing how often climbing that mountain comes up as an allegory for life's issues. On our way down that day, I remember equating it to our family's recovery efforts, and the metaphor lives on to teach the lesson that diligence combined with hard work, prayer, and a little bit of insanity can often times get us to the top of the mountains which we face each day.

"Thank you for letting me accompany you that day to climb that mountain--it's proving to be one of the most important life lessons you've taught me."

Life can be hard. Thankfully, when I begin to feel discouraged, I look to the hills.

Control and Insecurity: A Theory

2008-11-22T19:35:00.000-08:00

After hearing some exploits from friends and family in the past about people they describe as "controlling", it made me think about what the cause of this controlling behavior might be. My answer is that I believe that there is a direct relationship between a person wishing to exhibit control over some aspect in their life, and their insecurity in that same aspect of life.

For example, is someone you know controlling as far as the household finances? It very well maybe that they feel the need to exhibit this control because of an insecurity of receiving a windfall of financial hardship if they don't.

Let's take another example. A wife feels insecure about her looks, so she exhibits a desire to have control over the natural progression of her beauty as she ages, and receives plastic surgery. Meanwhile, her husband feels insecure about his masculinity and sees his wife with a surgically enhanced looks and his insecurity becomes exacerbated. Suddenly, he becomes (more) controlling in regards to where his wife goes unattended because he himself is insecure of losing her to someone younger and more masculine.

There are plenty of other scenarios I could potentially come up with, but I think the relationship between insecurity and the exhibition of control is clear. If it is true, I think it does offer a little more understanding about those who exhibit controlling behavior over us, and perhaps enable us to sympathize rather than patronize.

Any thoughts?

Release and Surprise

2008-11-14T13:47:00.000-08:00

I have found that the sooner we release our expectations we have of others, the sooner we can offer them the opportunity to surprise us. The sooner we extinguish these expectations and accept those for who they are, the sooner, I believe, we can accept people for who they are, rather than expect them to act the way we would have them act, or expect them to react a prescribed way to a particular situation. I believe it is only then, that we rid ourselves of our own subjectivity, and see people for who they are--the good as well as the bad--rather than who we want them to be.

I have found this true with the relationship with my brothers. My first Christmas back from moving to Florida, I did not get a "warm reception" they way I had envisioned it. I departed Phoenix upset and rebellious toward them. Then my wife said something in her wonderful wisdom: "Nick, you're just pissed because they're not acting the way you want them to." And there's the light bulb. It was then and there I realized I needed to let go of the expectations I had of their reactions toward me, to let them be who they are and accept that, and realize they are not going to react the same way towards a social or a family issue as I would approach these same subjects. The more I expect them to act the way I would, the sooner I am setting myself up for disappointment.

The next rendezvous, my grandmother's memorial, I instituted this new logic, and I found that I was much more comfortable around them, not constantly wishing they would react to my comments or existence in the room as they would another brother. It was when I let go of these disappointments founded on expectation, that I discovered these very disappointments distracted me from the good in my relationship with them.

I can't change the people in my life; but I can change my expectations of them.

Yes You Can

2008-11-07T16:23:00.000-08:00

I heard on NPR during the primary an interview from an editor of Ebony Magazine regarding Obama's candidacy for President. He spoke of how part of black culture found refuge in the idea that they cannot get ahead because of oppression from "The Man". This concept, he explained, of being "beaten down" by a white man in a position of power was, for so long, at the core of African-American culture. He continued by saying that having a black man in the highest political office in America could potentially threaten this portion of their identity.

As I and plenty of my friends join the African-American triumph in getting a competent man in office of African-American origin, I suddenly think of something that SOME African-Americans, who use racism as a scapegoat as to why they cannot succeed, may not appreciate: the next time they cross my path and say "I can't get ahead because I'm black," I will simply respond "Yes You can."

My Ideal Inaugural Address

2008-09-28T17:33:00.000-07:00

As the title suggests, the following is my ideal Inaugural Address. This is what I would like to hear the president, whomever they may be, say on that sunny D.C. day on Capitol Hill.

Now I recognize that much of this may seem hypocritical to those of you who have studied American Foreign Policy or who have lived/worked abroad, especially with regards to United States foreign policy. I ask please recognize that this speech was written with the average American in mind; the person who may not have had such exposure to America's hypocrisies.

~~~~

Vice President, Madam Speaker, Mr. Chief Justice, reverend clergy, fellow citizens:

Opportunity--it is what drives the American Dream. Let us take the opportunity then, to bask in the wonder of this opportunity to welcome the beginning of the end of the past, without losing sight of our future.

Many inaugural addresses our history's past have glorified our nation, highlighting our blessings as well as our entitlements; and though I plan to do the same, I believe it to be my duty, as your president, to be honest with you;

We have lost our way.

America is no longer a beacon of democracy, hope, and human rights; now, we are feared by innocent nations and alienated by our allies; the terrorists of Al-Qaida have pushed us into a corner where a hope to strike fear into the hearts of Americans led to Americans fearing to hope.

America is no longer the leader in economic growth and innovation because America no longer relies on innovation and growth for her survival; but rather has taken a loan against the world market.

America is no longer the educational powerhouse it once was simply because America has lacked an adversary with whom to compete.

Ladies and Gentlemen of Congress, the White house, and my fellow Americans: these days are over.

It is time we take back our place in the world, not as an object of exceptionalism, but as the symbol of man’s potential.

This will not be an easy road.

It has been the tradition of American Foreign policy to act only considering the interests of America, without considering those of our allies.

These days of unilateralism are numbered. The Iraq war I inherit today and the proliferation of the global terrorist threat is a demonstration of this fact.

America was at its greatest when we once led an alliance of shared principles: freedom, democracy, the sanctity of human life, and the distaste for intolerance. These principles are still shared by our allies, however our recent methods to enforce them have invalidated our credibility to represent them.

Therefore, to our Allies around the globe:

This ends now.

From now on, America stands to lead the free, democratic nations of the earth into the future with a renewed sense of self.

From now on, we look to confer with our allies regarding the struggles which plague, not just our nation, but those nations across the globe who suffer under the dark clouds of oppression, hunger, and illness.

From now on, “E Pluribus Unum” is no longer an American slogan; it is the battle cry of a renewed alliance.

(pause)

In the realm of innovation and economic growth, I offer a question:

How did we ever expect to compete with the world market if we continuously ship our jobs, our business, and our investment overseas?

America: this ends now

China’s economy has been growing at an exponential rate, and their recent space walk has now ranked them as competitors with other Space fairing nations. It is estimated that within the next 5-7 years, china will walk on the moon.

It is no surprise, then, that China is the leading nation in Science and Mathematics scores in the world.

In the process to fulfilling President Kennedy’s lunar challenge, the American people created several key innovations which resulted in the successful lunar landing.

It was no surprise, then that America was in the top 5 nations in Mathematics and Sciences.

If we do not meet the Chinese challenge with a challenge of our own we will be left behind.

Therefore, we will settle the Moon before the end of 2018; and we will be the first to walk on Mars by the end of 2022.

From now on, we create a new plan to better support our schools and our teachers in order to invest in our future, not just for our celestial goals, but to bask in the spill over effect education has upon innovation in our economy.

From now on, we will ensure this goal will spill over to bolster jobs and innovation so we may recapture the reverence the American brand once earned.

From now on, we aim for excellence. We bring back home those contracts which have gone overseas, not because we are entitled, but because we’ve earned it.

(pause)

And lastly, my fellow Americans, we have become spoiled. While the United States consumes 25 percent of the world's resources, we have merely an eighth of the world's population; America's waistband increases as the third world eats from the crumbs of our table.

This ends now.

No longer will the United States have a policy of entitlement and exceptionalism.

We need to stimulate production in this country so we too may meet the global demand, not of our own appetite, but of the appetite of our growing neighbors in Asia. For once, let our innovation and production ensure that China purchases more American goods than American bonds.

We will once again be the shining example of hard work, innovation, and prosperity we once were. However, America's example is only as strong as the sum of its parts; and so my fellow Americans, the end of this policy of entitlement starts at home.

Far too long has America enabled the lazy to freeload on the backs of the hardworking. This is why it is essential to, not only place a time limit on Government welfare and appropriations, but to combine this time line with $1 billion in appropriations to services and public relations to make sure we all know about these programs to get you back on your feet; it is time America puts its full resources into affording us all this opportunity.

For those of us who say, "I can't"; I say, "try". For those who say, "I won't", I say "tough".

This country was founded on the backs of those who believed in the ability of man to transcend any obstacle, and spit in the eye of adversity. The entitlement of freedom comes at the price of responsibility.

And so my fellow Americans, it is time that we not only remind the rest of the world that our nation is capable to assume the responsibility associated with great power, we must prove to ourselves that we still earn right to be considered American.

Thank You. God Bless you. And God Bless America.

Get Pissed, America Deserves It.

2008-09-28T12:52:00.000-07:00

I normally don't do this: I don't outwardly favor one candidate over another. But those of you who have talked with me of late, know that even though I am still on the fence regarding some issues, I am leaning towards Barack Obama for my presidential vote. Despite this slight leftist turn, I was disappointed in his performance at the debates. The following is a message I sent to his campaign staff. I'm sure my suggestion is but a single drop in the ocean of correspondence his campaign staff has with Americans, but it is my hope it will have a lasting ripple effect.

~~~~

The following is a op-ed piece in the NYTimes and I believe it is worth the read for the campaign.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/21/opinion/21dowd-sorkin.html?_r=3&em&oref=slogin&oref=slogin&oref=slogin

I agree mostly with this article. It was an entertaining read, despite a description of Sarah Palin that was a little far fetched (don't get me wrong, I still think she's nothing but a cheerleader who thinks she's running for class president). But all in all, I agree. I know from the primaries that Obama is cool and collected which is a necessary trait; but I want to see him get--albeit controlled--pissed off on my behalf. This country has gone through so much in the past 8 years, that we need a president that will get angry on our behalf. I want an advocate. He needs to mirror the frustration of the middle class to complement his plan for change. People en masse vote with their emotion not logic--as a Political Science Master's student, I know this to be a given, especially when they're on a fence; which is the case with many independent voters right now-I know because I and my wife are two of them.

I watched to debate in Mississippi, and quite frankly, I had to fight off the temptation to misinterpret "calm and collected" as "cold and disinterested". This was easy to do when I know the difference, but many who are just now tuning into your campaign may not.

We've gone through 8-years of economic downturn and wartime strife, and I for one am frustrated and upset about it--is it too much to ask for a president who is an advocate and is demonstrated as such?

Damnit, Obama, get fired up during those debates, get pissed. America deserves it.
~~~~

I welcome opinions and thoughts.

Spinning My Wheels...

2008-09-23T16:46:00.000-07:00

We all have had those moments where we see the successes of our friends and family; and though we are happy for them, we find after prolonged exposure that it highlights some of our own shortcomings, and by the end of it--we just feel like a bike not making contact with the ground, just spinning our wheels never to go anywhere.

I got news today that my brother, Nathan, heard news that Wired.com is interested in a project he's been working two years on in his free time. His baby, his brainchild, and likely to be his bread and caviar for the rest of his life, Project Cosmos, is crowning in its birth to startem ; and Na has just realized he just needs to bare-down. Na, it's long over due! I'm so happy for you!

The Nicks. I have ALWAYS said that Z's vocals and guitar combined with Marcotte's lyrics were a winning combination (listen for yourself!). After 8 years, Z and Marcotte have perfected their art form to finally, in my humble opinion, compete in the industry and be up and coming. All I have left to say is, "just don't forget me when your famous--I get back-stage passes to hug your sorry asses!" the Nick duo take the listener on a lyrical ride on a sled of sophisticated guitar work. Z's voice manipulates Marcotte's lyric as Kobe Bryant would a basketball, leaving the audience awed by the emotional ride they've just been on. Each song is different, introducing a new and exciting character to the listener. Just remember me when you've made it big guys.

Witnessing these two evolutionary changes for each of these very deserving men, I am both happy for them, while at the same time, fighting the urge to feel left behind as I reflect upon my own resume. Bottom of the barrel at Social Security, Retail, Retail, and more Retail. I'm afraid to admit that I might be so supportive of going to Harrisonburg, Va so I can blame the size of the town for my not getting any farther than I am now, rather than have to face a fact more bruising to the ego. (I'm sure that's not the reason for my support, though it is tempting!)

But, in the face of it all, I continue to apply for work. I'm sure that thinking, "yeah, another resume gone to the black hole of cyberspace" or "well, this is a long shot" will not help my chances any. I feel like I am caught in a perpetual catch-22; hello folks, I need a job BEFORE I can say I have experience, ok? In all fairness, my wife's reaction, in its impervious logic, stated that these two have been working for years on something they've wanted--and I might be there too had I realized what I wanted earlier in life; I can't expect it to happen overnight.

And I don't. I just find that such a huge part of my identity is what I can say I do for a living, to say I can adequately provide for my family. I find I get passionate about politics, positioning, and the chess behind human politicking. I have searched for jobs with the words "political affairs", "political analyist" and both of those with the word "assistant" in them to maybe catch a break on an entry level job. But, with every passing resume submitted to the depths of nothingness in cyberspace, never to be heard from again, it can't help but ware on me and my self-worth.

I can't help but think that the man my wife met nearly three years ago who was confident, and sure of himself was fooling her--and himself. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that she loves me; and knowing her demand for excellence with anything she's associated with, perhaps she sees something I don't.

I love you, Sexy. Don't stop believing.

A Call for Darwinism

2008-09-13T07:57:00.000-07:00

As many already know, Hurricane Ike has plowed through Galveston, TX like a bull through a china shop. Many were asked to leave, and for the sake of preventing traffic jams, people from Houston were asked not to evacuate simply so those in Galveston could safely evacuate. (As many from both cities evacuated for Hurricane Rita, many died on the jamed freeways via accident and everyone else was stuck in traffic jams for up to 30 hours). 250,000 people refused to leave Galveston and are now pleading for help, according to the latest msnbc.com coverage.

Now, the federal government is looking at spending hundreds of billions for repair and, part of that cost will likely go into rescue missions for those who were dumb enough to stay, even after the Weather service released a public announcement that those who stayed would face "certain death". I say let them. I apologize if this seems jaded and cynical, but (with acceptation to those who COULD not leave based on handicap, etc. as opposed to those who WOULD not leave) those who chose to stay should not qualify for federal aid for rescue. I believe that to stay after such a strong warning from federal and state agencies leads to a forfeiting of a victim's right to aid. As a tax payer, it pisses me off to have to pay for someone's poor judgement. Instead, rather than subsidizing idiocy, let those who lacked the intelligence to heed warning parish, I'm sure the gene pool would be better off anyway.

Looking Forward

2008-06-30T17:27:00.000-07:00

As I approach the need to get another job with the finalization of my degree, I find myself surrounded by my friends' success, and I am envious of their inspiration. Where James has African social justice, Z has his music, and Marcotte has inner-city youth education, and April has gerontological research, I do not feel I have a passion for any one particular topic, which proves problematic.

I was never one for "Crusin'" in a car, I always needed a destination to drive to. I feel as though I have the gas, an operational engine, four wheels, etc., but I don't have direction--and that is what I pray for: A job that keeps me entertained, but is not too stressful, challenging enough to keep me interested, but not so difficult to discourage me, I can see the fruits of my labor in a relatively short period of time, and that it pays for my (and my family's) life--but that's like saying "I want to drive somewhere with mountains", rather than a specific location; I don't know where to start.

And my lack of luster for my degree program doesn't help matters much for my morale either. Working for something that I'm not entirely convinced will forward my employment opportunities is VERY difficult to work towards. It is only on a leap of faith that I even justify finishing this degree.

So I work towards an occupational future unknown and uninspiring (at least at the moment). I am just going to apply to anything and everything I find, and just see where God points me. I guess that isall I can do at this point--I certainly do not have all the answers, that's obvious.

Caregiving: A perspective

2008-03-16T07:16:00.000-07:00

The following is an email I sent to my mom, the caregiver for my grandmother, her mother. I'm interested to see what many of you think:

Hey Mom,

I got to thinking about what you said the [hospice] nurse mentioned to you about caregiving being a job where you're bound to fail. I understand how seeing as the purpose of a caregiver might be seen as a job designed to keep someone alive and well might be something where you would be set up to fail since we all pass on someday.

Then I started thinking, death is as certain as gravity; telling someone that a job of a caregiver is set up to fail under the previously mentioned line of logic is the same as saying that a javelin thrower is set up to fail because the javelin will ultimately hit the ground.

Taking this metaphor a bit farther, I would perhaps consider a caregiver like a javelin, shot put, or discus thrower. Despite the fact that they put all of themselves into the throw, they know the instrument will eventually hit the ground, but that's taken as granted; they aim for distance. Grandma lived YEARS beyond what many believed to be her time simply because you gave her superior care.

In short, when grandma passes on, you did not fail, you won the gold.

I love you,

Nick

Jeanette Stutler (1933-2008)

2008-02-17T20:00:00.000-08:00

I heard once that to truly understand how someone lives, you experience how they die. Jeanette Stutler was one of the classiest, hippest, coolest granny's I've had the pleasure to get to know. When Hospice asked what her favorite music was so she could have something pleasant to listen to as she passed, it was a no brainer to put in her brand new Eagles CD she got for Christmas. After her viewing, the family gathered at "Gators, Dockside", a family-friendly sports bar at which that they all--including Grandma--enjoyed eating. Stories of her filled the atmosphere; it seemed appropriate that the Eagles' "Take It Easy" was playing in the background.

I'm not sure what her favorite Eagles song was, but "Take It Easy" could have definitely been her mantra. She lived for sports. I learned at her funeral that she became so fanatical about boxing, that she'd have to leave the room out of pure frustration if her man was being pounded, but not before shouting at the TV as if she were the coach in the corner. Furthermore, she had a TV in every room so not to miss any sports action, be it NASCAR, boxing, or football. As a pallbearer, I joked with other pallbearers how we should be dressed up as a pit crew and her casket should be littered with sponsors on the lid and sides. Now, before thinking this to be a disrespectful comment, consider a nearby eavesdropper's reaction when they pipped in saying, "she would have loved that."

But, before we view her to be too unconventional, let's consider Jeanette Stutler as "grandma", not the adjective, but the verb. Jeanette served as the cornerstone and the communication hub for her family. She could not keep a secret. If a family member confessed a grievance to her, rest assured that grievance got around to the other members of the family. This family has no secrets; Jeanette is the reason why.

Though I only knew her for only a couple years, she served as the major source of support for April, her mom, her sisters, cousins, and anyone else that was related to her. When April was in need, her Grandmother was the first to offer funds to help alleviate the issue despite April's shyness to take the money.

She was a giving soul, not just monetarily, but of her time as well. If there was ever a time April needed an ear to comfort her, her grandma was always just a phone call away. She was like that for every member of her family.

Lastly, she baked like no other grandmother. Her spaghetti sauce defined grandmotherly cooking--a recipe, like fine wine, that only got better with age. Then there were the legendary pepperoni rolls. As an outsider, I never really understood the phenomenon these represented... then I tasted one. Zesty pepperoni inconspicuously wrapped in a dinner roll. She was always sure to have something baked and ready in the event that company dropped by.

Jeanette Stutler died as she had lived: in her own home, surrounded by loving family, the Eagles played in the background, and every TV was playing the most recent sporting event for the many family members that were around.

I am thankful to have met Jeanette Stutler. She instilled in April many wonderful qualities. And, though I didn't know her for but a couple years, I know she lives on in the lessons, recipes, and memories April and the rest of her family have to offer. It was a pleasure to get to know her, and it will be a pleasure to know her further as I become a more integrated member of this family.

God Be With You Jeanette.

Doing For Me...

2007-10-18T17:57:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if anyone agrees with me, but I have found that I have a hard time doing things for myself that are necessities or that make me happy. Take making dinner for example. I have a hard time motivating myself to make dinner for myself when it was just me in Tampa over the summer, but I'll do it in a heartbeat for April if she's had hard day and needs some time off her feet. The Gym is another example. When I went to the gym, I couldn't go on my own accord, but rather only if I was meeting a friend there--it was the thought of someone meeting me and I didn't want to flake on them that got me out of bed.

Why is this? Anyone out there that know me well enough to address this, tell me why I can't help myself and be contented with that aspect of my life? I mean, I am happy. I am happy with the situation I'm in: I have a beautiful-smart-lovely fiancee, a job that pays my bills, a car that gets me there. I am happy with my life. My question is why can't I be happy doing for myself?

Any ideas?

Never-Never Land Complex...

2007-07-17T16:24:00.000-07:00

My brother came to Florida this past weekend, and one of the evenings we had a brother-to-brother expose of Southern California society. Upon explaining his frustration with the women and men of the popular "party scene" (as he has personal ties to some of them), I found myself thinking about how these individuals share many commonalities with the famed Never-Never Landers. The following is a stream of consciousness aiming to incubate this theoretical egg further.

It seems that many people in So. Cal (though they exist in many other metropolitan cities) act along the same lines: all play, little responsibility, immature, they only care about themselves and having fun--even at the expense of others. Drinking is often a necessary necessity to these Peter Pans and Tinker Bells, mainly because they find that distraction from either working life or they like life better under a drunken haze. I have found that, many people within this group simply want to eat, drink, be merry, and think happy thoughts only to fly away from the thought that they are getting holder and thus, should be more responsible for themselves, sympathetic towards others, and mature, than simply engaging in debauchery every weekend.

The temptation is out there to engage the Never-Never Land complex. It is easier to run from maturity than embrace it. Ask anyone who has gone through an experience where they had to "grow up", and they will tell you it was a very stressful, sometimes painful experience. Much like growing physically, growing emotionally requires some pain at times. The only difference is unlike puberty, we have a choice on whether or not we wish to embrace the pain and grow from it or remain infantile.

What many in this land fail to recognize is that we continue to age, and there can be much more long term reward to embracing the pain and growing as it happens. How many have seen reality TV shows where there is a grown man or woman who is acting like a complete child? How likely are you to want to get to know that person?

It could be that those who grow up find more fulfilling lives as they discover themselves finding hope in the future based on the character built from suffering. If we run from suffering and life's trials in general, then we have no basis of comparison on which to substantiate hope when those trials do strike, and thus find ourselves in a state of panic, anxiety, and stress--sounds like more growing up. The only difference lies in who is around to help support you through it; I just hope those friends around out partying--a voice mail isn't as comforting.

It's said 30 is the new "20"; I say that's denial--only appropriate it came out of L.A.

Departure...

2007-06-02T12:17:00.000-07:00

April left early this morning to start a ten-week stint in DC for an internship. Letting her go (and her leaving me) was the most difficult thing for either of us to do. We sat in the terminal just holding each other. As Time's message that it will not stop, not for us or anyone else, we saw the constant flow of people boarding the tram to take them to their departure flights; We said, "see you soon" surely not to utter "good-bye", and she told me that she will not be looking back. I knew what she meant: if she looked back and saw me standing there, as I was when she was walking through the first security ID checkpoint before the trams, she may not have left.

So, we she got up gave me one last hug, kiss, and a "see you soon", turned around, and walked onward. I was walking backward, but could not bring myself to turn my back on her as long as she was in sight. Soon, I watched her begin to meld with the crowd of travelers, and before I knew it, she was gone, only to be known as a voice on a phone and a picture on a screen. As I looked down, I noticed I was standing upon the decorative compass rose that was printed into the carpet of the commuters terminal, and I was its needle; this makes sense as April is my North Pole.

I am now counting down the days until I can fly up there for a couple days at least. In the meantime, I guess I'll be working on making a life for myself independent of April. This will be good so when she gets back, I can have some (hopefully) routines that will allow her to have some alone time that she often needs for herself. As much as this time apart is painful, leaving both of us longing, it is healthy; at least that's what I keep telling myself.

I love you April, and I miss you.

Black Hypocracy

2007-04-12T18:19:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know, it's surprising: black women are hypocritical too. Specifically, I'm talking about the blatant, unkind, and complete hypocrisy of the Queen of Media, the Empress of the Contemporary Black Movement: Oprah Winfrey.

On April 12, 2007, Oprah covered the Imus scandal, interviewing the players of the Rutgers women's basketball team. Reviewing the egregious racial comments made by shock jock, Don Imus, referring to the all-women's team as "nappy headed hoes" on his radio show. Oprah continued on to rail Imus for his comments as racial and sexist--which they were; everything Imus said on his show was racially charged. In the history of this show, He did not discriminate in his slanderous remarks.

Now, fast forward to the end of Oprah's show, where Oprah was hosting hip-hop dance lessons (by a black woman instructor) and then offhandedly commented how there is always some "white man" in the room who "can't dance". Now, by no means do I mean to equate dancing with promiscuity, that's not the point. The point is racism and sexism. So when it comes to racism or sexist comments, Oprah doesn't have a stone to cast.

This sheds a light on a larger issue. Is there such a thing as degrees of racism or sexism? There is not. There is no "racist and sexist meter" at the FCC. If there were, Howard Stern would have been gone long ago.

Racism, pardon me, is a black and white issue. A comment is either racist or not, there is no middle ground. The difference, it seems, is tolarence. Could it be that blacks are simply less tolerant than Jews, Whites, Asians, American Indians, Hispanics, and every other minority? I will leave the answer of that question to recent history: Don Imus slandared many, if not all, of these groups; a black, sexist comment got him fired.

Perhaps, it wasn't the minority crack, but the sexist one. If so, then according to Oprah, it's ok to say a sexist comment about men, but not one about women. Again, I am not making distinctions about what was said, but the nature of the comment. Saying that men, "white men" at that, can't dance is racist AND sexist.

Oprah, I want an apology.

Laugh Often...

2007-03-20T16:53:00.000-07:00

We've all heard the adage: love much, laugh often, etc. How often do we really laugh in this responsibility laden world ? Here's a startling statistic I heard in a relaxation techniques class a couple years ago: A child laughs on average 450 times a day while the average adult laughs a bountiful four times a day. What is wrong with this picture?

I have found with my ever-growing responsibilities that proliferate exponentially with every year that passes, I am laughing less. The stress of this world anchors my spirits ever so slightly. So, here is my question: how do we still stay in touch with that inner-child and laugh (thus releaving stress) without loosing touch with those adult qualities? How do we keep childHOOD alive without seeming childISH to others?

I would first say that we should look at the root of the problem: stress. Notice that the more stress and anxiety we hang on to, the harder it takes for the blimp of bliss to take off. So how do we let go of stress? Is it a conscious decision? Do we decide at a whim to say "fuck it" and laugh it off? Yet, it seems to me that in order to "let go" one needs to laugh, and in order to laugh, one has to let go. How do we escape this happiness paradox?

Through my past experiences, I would say that for those who have a large sense of Faith, its easier (at least theoretically) to let things go. "Let go and let god" the Bible says. Albeit easier said than done, there is some truth to this.

I have found the more I let go of my stresses, the more I am likely to discover they are out of my hands for the most part, the easier it is for me lighten my spirits and re-acquaint myself with those things that I've found in my childhood that made me laugh and all around feel good. I have re-introduced myself to Miles Davis, to jazz in general, to impersonations, to puns and pun-making, to dancing in the car, and to singing out loud in the car and letting people see me have a good time.

If people see me having a good time, it gives them permission to have a good time too. So spread a little laughter and good times. It's the best countermeasure to the stress of adulthood.

~~~~~~

P.S. Having a life partner who is as dedicated to laughter as you are doesn't hurt either. Thanks, April for all the laughs--here's to a lifetime more. :D

I miss acting..

2007-03-03T19:21:00.000-08:00

I miss Acting.

It's an interesting revelation. I mean, I don't miss it enough to give everything I've worked for and starve for the rest of my life for the sake of it. I miss the comradery. I miss theatre people. If you were in theatre you'd know the type: outgoing, non-judgemental, unassuming, loving, kind-spirited... These are the people that are in it for the love of the craft, not self-celebration.

I miss the production. I miss the team work. I miss putting in endless hours of work that builds up to one cressendo. I miss watching the preverbial dominos fall as the doors of opening night open. I miss the bitter-sweetness of curtain-call closing night.

I miss utilizing talents and instincts that I spent a long time honing to communicate a story. I miss the charge one gets when they can hold the emotions of an audience in the palm of their hand and take them for a ride they can talk about later over coffee. I miss story telling. I miss playing a villian, a concerned friend, or a persecuted protagonist.

I miss acting; but I don't miss the pay.

Learning to Walk on Water

2007-01-14T20:32:00.000-08:00

If it is one thing I have learned in these past few months of joy, struggle, anguish, and pure happiness, facing adversity, and learning to flex my faith, it is learning how to study the Bible, its teachings, and applying them to my life; one particular lesson sticks out in my head: learning to walk on water. No, I'm not saying I've mastered the elements, but rather I am learning to walk on the waters of life.

For those unfamiliar to the elements of this teaching, Peter and his colleagues are out to sea when Christ, finished with his evening prayer, walks on the water out to meet his disciples. Frightened by the sight of a man walking on the water, the disciples grew afraid, calling the figure a ghost. Peter (admittedly my favorite of the disciples, for various reasons) calls out to Him saying "if you are the Christ, call me out to you." Jesus does so, and for a short time Peter walks on the water to Him. However, when taking a moment to look around him, feeling the winds pick up, he grows afraid. As Christ pulls him out of his sinking situation, he utters the words: "oh ye of little faith." Had Peter simply kept his sights upon Christ--had he stayed focused, ignoring the worldly winds around him--he would have continued to walk on water.

Thinking about my life now, I am in the midst of "walking on water". Allow me to explain. My life now, I have a beautiful girlfriend whom I plan to marry soon, a job with the federal government (which in itself was a God send, but that's another blog), and I'm back to school a year or so early, pursuing my masters degree. All of this started through meeting April; I met her on myspace of all places (the odds of which were unbelievable), dated her long distance and was crazy enough for her that I moved out here to be close to her, allowing these other aspects of life to come to fruition. I truly believe April was the first of many answered prayers regarding a variety of aspects of my life. "Ask and ye shall receive," right?

Yet, there are times of weakness (likely in times of fatigue) where I will think about the sheer odds of all of this coming to pass. Just as Peter did out on the sea that faithful evening, it becomes easy to tramp in the improbability of it all and doubt a bit. Yet, I have learned, that if I keep my focus upon God and His plan for me, the love I have for April, all my prayers will be answered in His time. I must not "lean upon my own understanding" as it is written, but rather sit back, and enjoy the ride. (Which is definitely easier said than done.)

So long as I keep my attention on Him who brought me here as part of answered prayers, I too am learning to walk on water.

2006, Year of The Nick's

2006-12-11T18:21:00.000-08:00

It's December 11th, and I'm at the start of my very last week of my first semester in Grad school. It has been a whirlwind of a semester, filled with tears, frustration, faith, laughter, plenty of love, kindness, tolerance, and perseverance.

I am looking forward to going back to Phoenix for Christmas to see family. I look forward to having a "real job" to feel occupationally equal with my brothers. I look forward to the contrast my surroundings will offer me as I head back to where I once was to truly understand how far I've come. I know it's a bit existential, but I truly look forward to enjoying my scholastic break with April and the rest of my family.

Nearly a year ago, I made a toast with two other like-named friends: Here's to 2006, the year of the Nicks. It was meant as a toast to celebrate events not yet unveiled; to foster relationships recently blossomed. I believe that the Nick's have met the expectation of that coming year. Now, as we stare down the barrel of 2007, ready to be shot into possibility, we've rotated scenarios. Before, my personal life was just taking off, Z was about to start embark upon a new city to find a job unknown that would open many doors for him, and Marcotte was finishing up undergrad, ready for life's possibilities; now, I have just started the job and school with possibilities unknown, Z is looking at grad school, and Marcotte is preparing his personal life for launch. To each of them I say simply, "enjoy the ride". Don't forget how far you've come when you're feeling down, and don't forget to look forward to avoid complacency.

I've Arrived At the First Stop...

2006-11-01T06:19:00.000-08:00

Well, It has come; I have found a "real" job. The Social Security Administration has picked me up to be the assistant to one of the call center technicians who is blind. I am this person's eyes for a fair annual salery and full Federal Benefits. Yep, I'm a Fed. Thank you to all of those who have helped me along the way.

I start work November 13th.

Update and Thank You

2006-10-13T07:27:00.000-07:00

It's been two months since I've left the safty of home, and I'm just fine. It's odd: I've often been told how everything would be ok. I suppose I knew it deep down, but in the face of extreme adversity, emotional trial, and a stress load that would put Mt. Whitney to shame, you don't share that frame of mind at the time. So where am I at now?

I've recieved (finally) my Letter of Eligablity from the State of Florida, and now I can legitimately look for teaching jobs. In the meantime, I've been working retail--hopefully this will be my last stint in working within this copacity. To fight the slight depression that comes on everytime I go in for work, I say a prayer of thanksgiving as it is because of this job, I don't feel the stress I used to when I don't hear back from an interviewer, etc.

On the school front, I got an A on my first paper, so life in grad school is off to a good start. I am ahead on my writing, and I hope to stay ahead of the game. One of my classes does not have a final exam, so the sooner I get the term paper done, the sooner my workload is finished. So needless to say, that's great insentive to continue pluggin' away. Also, I'm hoping I can get hooked up with an internship with AARP via April's department. I know it sounds a little out of my field, but they do have an International Affairs dept. So, hopefully I can come up with a summer internship there. I'll keep y'all posted on that front. All in all, grad school is going well.

In two weeks, mom and dad arrive for their visit. I can't wait. I've missed them both so much and I can't wait to treat them to a "thank you" for all of their emotional, moral, and financial support. God, faith, and April aside, they are the reason I am still here. Their strength of character has shown so brightly if you consider that they were dealing with phone calls from me on a daily basis AND dealing with my Grandmother's caregiving, I can't imagine their stress threshold. Mom and Dad, you're my heros--can't wait to see you in two weeks! You guys deserve this vacation.

In the meantime, life with April has been wonderful. Now that I have an income of some sort, I can live with myself without thinking of financial worries. April is now able to focus on her issues rather than mine, which in themselves are more than her share! I can now focus on school, work (and looking for teaching jobs), and being the support mechanisim I know I can be to April. Sure, we have some issues pop up here or there due to fatigue or impatience, but who doesn't? This weekend, we're going to a free symphony concert that's outdoors. It was supposed to be a girl's night out with her friends, but by the time she found that part of it out, she had already invited me. I'm trying to think of anything else I could do so she could enjoy her time with the ladies. Is it selfish if I really don't want to? I've suggested to her that I could get lost for a little while so she could have some alone time with the ladies--I definitely don't mind that. She needs that time, and it doesn't come up often as the few friends she has are quite busy. Hmm... This does take place tomorrow evening, so I'd better think quick on how I can have my cake and eat it too.

Seeing as that this is my only major concern right now, that's a pretty good gauge as to my life right now. It's much better than it was. One thing is for certain: the past two months have been quite an afformation of my faith. Despite the pain and anquish it involved, I'm very thankful for it. It also allowed for April's faith and commitment to me to be tested. I didn't know it at the time, but in hindsight, it did give me some empirical evidence how committed she is to me, and I'm thankful for that.

Thanks God, for everthing, for everyone.

A Quote to Live By...

2006-09-09T19:30:00.000-07:00

I watched a movie tonight that featured a quote as its thematic statement. It read:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciouslygive other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear,our presence automatically liberates others.

A Return to Love - Marianne Williamson

Just a reminder for all of the brilliant people in my life.

Fighting for April

2006-08-23T09:57:00.000-07:00

Who knew that the biggest emotional and mentle battle of my life to date would be for the sake of my relationship--not in the way you think, either.

I have been here a week and a half, and have yet to find work. My accounts are dwindling and my faith is at breaking point. There have been ups and downs along the way (one of which was a job interview that would be ideal and I have yet to hear back from them, a day late on their promissed window.), and April, despite how hard this has been on her, has been an amazing support mechanism. I have broken down into tears of frustration, anxiety and depression more times than I can count now, averaging every other day, and I am fighting to keep going.

I don't know what my issue is: why can't I just get up, get some money-maker, pee-on job for the time being until I find something? I attribute it to my desire to never work in retail again, believeing I'm above it. But, here I am again, at a finanacial, mental and emotional low that isn't above any job. There's a reason why greak tragedies always have the hubris be pride; and now I risk writing one of my own.

So how is this a fight for my relationship? I moved here for it. I found myself today thinking about my alternate life in Seattle; I knew I wouldn't be happy there--I wouldn't have April. I knew, the moment I made the decision to move here, that she couldn't handle the long-distance much longer; and to be honest, neither could I. So I moved here, preaching to her of the ease of finding a job once I was in town. It's been almost two weeks and no job. I find myself having to FIGHT to make sure I have either a positive attitude, or a non-shitty one at the least. I want her to be proud of me, not ashamed. I want to provide nothing but the best for her.

And so, I find myself fighting to stay in motion; I find myself fighting the anchor of depression that would be detrimental to any chance of my finding work if I yield to it. I am tired, but I must keep going.

Shake it off Temple, you can do it. You can do anything through God who stengthens you.

Life's Little Ironies

2006-08-13T18:20:00.000-07:00

This morning I’ve left to start a life in Tampa. It’s an odd feeling. This is a day I thought would always be in the distance. Like a child looking toward Christmas, I looked at this day as one of great joy, excitement, and anticipation. And, while it has held all those things for me, it has also held sorrow, parting, tearful good-byes. Yes, good-byes are never easy. They never have been for me. And yet, of all my brothers, I have been the one that has had to do it the most often. Leave my “home” (wherever that be) and set roots only to uproot in 6 months and move elsewhere. It’s been a cyclical life of hello and good-byes. For the first time in three years, I will be settling somewhere; not just anywhere—where my love is.

A couple nights ago, I noticed a one of life’s little coincidental symbols. When I moved to Phoenix, the foot of the bed (thus my feet) was pointed do-North—towards Seattle. As my life of this past year has changed in getting to know April, falling in love, and making the decision to move to be close to her and pursue my degree, my bedroom (rearranged by mom while I was away on a visit to Tampa) had ironically, and unintentionally, changed in accordance with my plans; the foot of my bed was no longer pointed towards Seattle, but Tampa Bay. Ah, life’s little ironies.

Cheers all.

Smile... Indeed

2006-07-30T13:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, via connections through April, I found two jobs: one as a media analyst and another as a socail worker of sorts. The latter of the two is pretty much a gauranteed position, provided I am still interested after my Q&A tomorrow with one of the Supervisors (this is a guy who is the fiance of April's new step-sister). It's only 20 min. from my new apartment and I would be paid a likely base salary of $32,000 or so per year. Even if I decide not to take this position for whatever extreme reason, I still have a nice opportunity to work for my dad's company as a research assistant. I would work from home and could make roughly $1,000 per month part time--so this serves as an ideal plan B.

Also, in the same day, I applied and will likely get a spot in an apartment (privitely owned student housing) with three other guys. The rent includes all utilities, cable, and internet for a fun $411 per month. Provided I enjoy my time there and I take the forementioned job, I could definitely enjoy some savings for once in my life. Thank God!

My previous entry talked about attitude and faith. Today, I am seeing that faith begin to bare fruit. It's just as I said to April on the phone last week before all of this transpired: "Sweetie, my experience with God has been that you get what you pray for (within reason), but you don't get it HOW you would like; only He can see when the perfect timing is. Everything will be fine." Perfect timing indeed: I heard about these jobs the day after my last day at Polo, and just two hours after I put down my application fee to an apartment I thought I may be paying for in loans. Smile?... Indeed

Smile...

2006-07-25T20:34:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with my girlfriend; I wish so much I could provide for her. She is so amazing, so deserving that I wish I could buy her the world to travel across for the rest of our lives. It is in this time of need I feel so unworthy of such an amazing individual in my life.

Though I am still unemployed, I will still charge on to find work that will both keep me financially afloat as well as allow me to save for our future. So far, nothing has come up; and though I find myself getting discouraged, I must keep the faith that God has something waiting for me in the wings. I still have two weeks before I head over--plenty of time right?!? He made the planet and everything on it in seven days, he can surely find me a job given twice the time! I just have to make sure I keep meeting Him halfway and continue to have faith.

The funny, and at times unfair, part about that is I have to keep pluckin' along, meeting Him halfway until I find what he has set aside; I don't even know when this is supposed to be over. This is an endurance race where the finishline is unseen--and that makes it tough. (It's at this point that I often find myself reminding.... uh... myself of a particular bible verse.)

It is in these moments of discouragement that I think of my Grandmother's words when she broke two ribs 7 months ago (mind you, she's 84), and had nothing but a smile on her face despite the intense pain. I mentioned and complimented how she was taking it so well. "Well, there's no other way to be. I don't have much of a choice in the matter," she said with a half-cocked smile and a chuckle.

Ah, the lessons we learn about life from those more experienced and wise. "Lemons in to lemonaid", "attitude is everything", "God closing doors and opening windows"--whatever your chosen cliche to band-aid your emotions at the time, they all carry the same message: Wherever you find yourself in life (whether you found that situation or that situation found you), smile; there's really no other choice.

:)

Growth

2006-07-24T19:06:00.000-07:00

Well, it's funny how you have this amazing post written out and some computer/software glitch does you the favor of erasing it, and insodoing, you find yourself evermore blunt and concise. Thanks, Microsoft.

Well, basically I talked about how this change in blogs was an appropriate change to represent my current situation. I am moving... no, not to Seattle as I had once thought a year ago, but to be with a woman (pictured right) who is so amazing, so inteligant, beautiful, so intoxicating, she should come with a warning label. I have totally fallin' in love with her, and am now aligning my future with hers.

It's amazing how, when thinking about my life just a year ago when just starting Polo, I react in amazment in how long that was ago. I feel like I have grown so much in this past year; and though growing pains do occur, I am so thankful for this time at home and the new heights for which I can observe the world.